Reason Dies
by GetWellHarley
Summary: Bella sometimes wants to take back the time she spent with the Cullen Coven, so that she wouldn't feel so hurt. What happens, however, when she finds herself back before she moved to Forks and on her way to Florida with Renee and Phil? She learns quickly that things aren't how she remembers, and is forced to seek companionship with a piece of her old past and his coven. B/Jas
1. Ain't That A Kick In The Head?

Harley: First posted-fanfiction for this account and all... I hope you enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight, nor do I make a profit from making fanfictions of it.

**WARNINGS: Language, Blood, Violence, Fighting, Angst, Fighting, etc.**

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Chapter 1: Ain't That A Kick In The Head?

_"How lucky can one guy be?_

_I kissed her, and she kissed me._

_Like the fella once said, ain't that a kick in the head?_

_The room was completely black._

_I hugged her, and she hugged back. _

_Like the sailor said, quote, ain't that a hole in a boat?"_

_-Ain't that a Kick in the Head, by Dean Martin_

**Bella Swan**

Every part of me felt raw, like the tough layers had been peeled away, exposing the weaker layers beneath. I had spent my whole life trying to be strong, not only for myself but for my mother and father. I spent most of my life trying to keep my mother on track and making sure she was okay above myself, depending on no one but myself to keep everything together. Then, even after leaving her care to another I found myself taking care of my father, making sure he ate properly and that our house was clean. The second I allowed myself to caress the soft candle-flame of what it felt like to be cared for instead, I found myself burned beyond compare.

My whole body hurt and ached, but I was suffering no injury. Only an illness, if you could consider heartbreak an illness. But it did its job so well. It plagued not only my mind, but my whole body. It was just like a virus, which was an odd comparison in itself. Many people compare love to a virus, and in some ways I could agree. However, I would consider love more of a sneeze, cough, hiccup, or fever. Something you would experience right before the virus took hold and spread. It was a negative way of thinking, to believe that the only thing to follow love was heartbreak, but the only experience I had of love ended just like that.

But, maybe it wasn't love. After I was left by not only the love of my life, but the ones I had considered my second family, I had a lot of time to think about everything. The relationship I had had with Edward Cullen was a lot more odd to me now than it had been before. Someone as handsome as him falling for a clumsy, pathetic excuse for a human like me was something to laugh. I had never felt like I had fit in anywhere, his rejection only served to prove me right. I was a freak of nature with no way out.

I tried my hardest to move on, despite the pain I felt from his and his family's departure. I had to, for Charlie's sake. I fully placed myself into taking care of him and my school work, because taking care of people and keeping myself afloat was what I was used to. But, after that sweet, saccharine taste of being cared for, that reversion back to the norm was a painful process that kept repeating itself like a broken record. The sweetness had a sour center, it seemed, for now my life had turned into a painful pucker.

I missed them all. Esme, Carlisle, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and Edward. No matter how much I wanted to be bitter and hateful for how they had thrown me away like trash, I couldn't and I hated myself for it instead. I hated myself for not being strong enough to hate them. But the weak, pathetic part of me understood why they left. Even I knew that I wasn't worthy enough for them, and they'd confirmed it easily when they left. Edward made sure to tell me how unworthy I was when he left me alone in the woods.

I didn't want to believe it, but it had been what every aspect of my life up to that point had been telling me. I wasn't worth much, and I was simply plain, boring Bella. The thought made my heart ache. I wanted to be so much more then that. I wanted to find some way that would allow me to admire the few qualities that I had, but I couldn't. I could only see the bad, and to me that meant that the bad was pretty obvious to everyone else as well.

As I sat up in my room, thinking of all those thoughts for the millionth time, I tried to find something to do. My eyes darted from the old, pre-historic computer and the books on my shelves. None of them had any glamor to them, and I felt no more passion for the simple things I used to adore with all my heart. I used to be able to pick up one of the books I've re-read hundreds of times, and still enjoy them like it was the first time. Now, I felt nothing for them at all. I had no more hobbies with interests. My whole life had revolved around the Cullens, and now I no longer had a purpose. They took so much more from me then they could ever imagine.

Slowly, I stood from my chair, tired of looking around the room or out the window. It was all the same, lifeless and meaningless. Deep in my heart, I wished that there was something I could've done to make them stay. But, I knew that there wasn't. If it hadn't been one thing, it would've been another down the road. Instead, I wished for life. I wished that things were how they were supposed to be, and that I could appreciate life again. I wanted another chance to live again.

I lay myself down in my bed, covering up and closing my eyes even though the last glance at the clock had shown that it was only seven o'clock in the afternoon. As I lay there, my raw body aching and pulsing with pain, I tried to stop thinking. Instead, I focused on the pitter-patter of rain against my closed window. It almost sounded like fingers, tapping against the glass in a plea for the window to open. It made me think of Edward, and how he used to come in through the window to spend the night with me.

My eyes shut tight and I tried to imagine myself somewhere else. I thought of a place where I wouldn't feel pain like this, a place filled with warmth and acceptance. I tried to drown out the silence with my thoughts, but that always served to send me into thought territory that I had no desire to be in. _They_ plagued my every thought.

I felt tears building up behind my eyelids, each drop filled with all of my pain and frustration. He told me that it would be like he never existed. What a lie. I thought of them every day, every minute. If not him, another one of the Cullens. They were constantly there, taunting me with their memories. I wanted to hate them for that, too. Leaving me with haunting memories that would never die. Memories that stripped away a piece of my sanity each time. I was slowly going insane.

For a moment, just a small moment, I wished that I could take it all back. I wished that instead of moving to Forks and meeting the Cullens, I had chose to stay with Renee and go to Florida with her and Phil.

And, as life had proven, it was very capable of taking a single moment and turning it a life-changing event.

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Sunlight was streaming through the window, hitting me directly in the face. I scrunched my eyes tightly, trying to block it out. I took in a deep breath, feeling the hole in my chest give a throbbing ache. That was normal. I took in a deep breath through my nose, and for the first time in months I did not smell rain or the homey smell of my fathers house. That was not normal. Straining my ears, listening for Charlie downstairs, but instead heard the sound of a vehicle in motion.

My eyes snapped open in panic, and I found myself staring up at the roof of a car. I was curled up in the backseat, a small, light blanket thrown carelessly over my figure. I could see the back window slightly, and for the next few minutes I simply watched as the scenery flew by. My breathing was surprisingly mellow as I sat in silence, trying to figure out what was going on.

Slowly, my head tilted sideways to look into the front of the car. I saw two very familiar figures sitting in the front of the car. Sitting in the drivers seat was the broad shouldered, tall male that I knew as my step-father. Curled up in the passenger seat with a small blanket thrown over her figure was my mother, her light brown hair barely visible with the covers pulled nearly over her face.

Instantly, I was upset. Had Charlie contacted my mother without my permission, and have me shipped off in my sleep just to get me to go live with her again? I felt literally sick to my stomach at the thought of Charlie reaching his frustration point like that. And, it would be all my fault. I had become such a lost cause to him that he sent me away. I had never felt like more of a horrible person in my life.

Upon noticing a small corner sitting on the floor in front of my seat, I opened it and pulled out one of the water bottles I knew would be inside. My mother always kept a small cooler of drinks in the car when she traveled, something that had always been helpful.

I forced my awkwardly bent body into a cramped sitting position so that I could properly drink from the bottle, trying to piece my thoughts together and wash down the horrible feelings stirring in the pit of my stomach. The cool liquid slithered down my throat in a soothing manner, calming the small tickle that had been there previously. The sweat from the bottle was rubbing onto the skin of my hands, cooling them up considerably.

Phil seemed to notice my awakening, because suddenly he reached behind his seat to roughly pat my knee. "How did you sleep back there, Bells?"

I didn't know how to answer that, so I gave him the predictable teenage mumbling that usually came in the mornings. He let out a chuckle, noticeably keeping his voice softer so that he didn't wake my slumbering mother. I looked at him carefully, watching as his eyes flickered across the road observantly. He had been so nonchalant in his greeting. One would thing that he would be a bit more weary of me if he and my mother had technically taken me from my home in the middle of the night. Something was wrong.

"Where are we going?" I asked, finally, much too confused to keep it held up inside any longer.

Phil caught himself before he started laughing, his mirth filled eyes looking into mine through the rear view mirror. "Jeez, kiddo, is all that sleep fogging your head? We're moving to Florida!"

He looked guilty about his slight raise in voice as my mother stirred in her sleep.

I looked into my lap, my lips pursed tightly in confusion. I turned to look out the window, watching as the world flew by. Each unique shade of green made me think of Forks. After becoming accustomed to seeing all the green and the cold, I missed it terribly now. It was too warm, the heat making my skin crawl. Seeing the yellowing grass and dry-weather plants made me cherish the memories I had to lush, green leaves and rich browns. I longed to feel cool morning air wafting around me from the constant drizzle, a feeling I would've never guessed I would have in a thousand years.

Phil made a sudden movement in the front, and I heard the ticking of the turn symbol. He pulled into a gas station that I had seen coming and had expected to pass, just like the rest of the buildings we had come across. Phil excused himself to get out an pump gas after we had parked, and I quickly followed him out. I need to move, get some circulation, and collect my thoughts.

There was no apology, no explanation. Phil seemed to think that there was absolutely nothing wrong, when I should be back in Forks not half-way between Arizona and Florida. Something was intensely off. I could almost feel it clenching in my chest, the confusion gripping my insides tightly.

I looked around slowly, taking in the sights of all the travelers and scenery. The air was dry, even though it was obviously early in the morning. The sky was streaked a gentle blue, linger shades of orange and purple clinging to the canvas of the morning. The air was stale with the small of leaking gas and general grime.

Trying to find some kind of clue, I began checking my pockets. I was in knee-length shorts and a short sleeved shirt. It had been a long time since I had worn shorts in public. It had always been too cold to do so, and I had gotten comfortable wearing jeans. The excess coverage had been comforting, and I felt almost exposed with wearing shorts.

I felt my wallet in my pocket and pulled it out. It was my same old wallet, simple and black. It had my driver's license inside, along with a couple fives and two tens.

"I'm going to go buy something to eat," I told Phil, who in turn gave me some money to pay off his gas while I was inside.

I wasn't hungry in the least. I was much too jittery, but I needed an excuse to walk around. Secretly, I was hoping that maybe I would be able to find anything, _anything_, that could help me understand what was happening.

A wave of air-conditioning hit me as I entered the station, bringing comfort to my skin. I found myself standing in line a few minutes later, a single granola bar in my hand. Once it was my turn to check out and I had told the man at the counter which pump I was paying for, I had to stand there for a few moments to wait as he rang my things up and counted my change.

The newspaper stand on the front of his counter caught my eye, and I found myself drawn to the date of the paper.

"Here you go, ma'am," the man said, holding out my change.

"Is this paper current?" I asked him as I took my change, my eyes still staring in disbelief at the date.

He grinned toothlessly. "Yes, ma'am, came in yesterday."

Too stunned for words, I collected my things and walked out without another word. I quickly stuffed myself into the back of the car and popped open my water. I downed the rest of it in one go, feeling a nervous sweat beading up on the back of my neck as my stomach started a gymnastic team. I curled back up on the seat, unwilling to strike up conversation with Phil when I was in such a state.

It took all I had to not go into a panic attack right there in the back seat, feeling my lungs freeze up and refuse to take in large amounts of air. I clutched myself, trying to literally hold me back together as everything came crashing down on me. It all seemed too unreal. I didn't want to believe it, nor did I want to believe the many other things that would come with the territory.

The newspaper headline wasn't correct. Not to my mind, but the man's assurances had be scary. If it was all true, then I wasn't in my proper time. I was back before I had even moved to Forks. I was seventeen again, not eighteen. I had never moved in with Charlie, never got my truck, never attended Forks High, never...

...met the Cullens.

A new wave of panic crashed over me, soaking me. I shivered violently, pressing my forehead against the back of the seat with my eyes clenched tightly. I had never met the Cullens. I had never met Edward, or dated him. We hadn't ever fallen in love. It was all fake. It had never happened. Had I made it up? Had all of it been a dream? It was astonishing to think that I had made up that whole small world in my dreams, and had dreamt of it so hard that I had myself fully convinced that it all had taken place. It couldn't have been possible. Edward had to be real. The Cullens had to be real. They had caused me so much pain, they had to be real. If they weren't, the hole in my chest shouldn't exist. My dreams wouldn't be able to have that big of an affect on me.

The next couple hours of traveling I spent in mental war. I tried to sort it all out, and find out how this had happened. I was literally torn in two between wanting to believe it was all a dream or whether it was real. I suppose the part of me that still loved the Cullens wanted to cling to that hope that they were real, that the love couldn't have been for nothing. It was too real. The hurt, betrayed part of me was all too glad to accept this. It was an easy way out. They didn't exist. We'd never met.

I was playing tug-of-war on both sides, and I just couldn't win either way.

I couldn't accept that none of it had happened, I decided finally. My dreams had never been so real before. I had to cling to the thought of their existence as a last hope. I didn't want to go crazy. I didn't want my life to be one insane life I'd manufactured in my head. They had to be real. Some way, some how, I'd been brought back to before I'd ever gotten to Forks.

And, for some reason, I'd chosen to never go there and instead move to Florida with Phil and Renee.

During the middle of my mind war, Renee woke up. I wanted to stay curled up and ponder this phenomenon for the rest of my life, but I knew that I had to face this reality. A part of me was already making plans to get out of this. I didn't want to live in Florida. I had to find some way to get to Forks. I wanted my old life back. Even if the Cullens weren't there, I missed my father. I missed the rain, the cold, and the green. All the things that had once been annoying to me were the one things I wanted the most.

I had to find a way to get back, but to do so I knew I had to put on a brave face. I had never been good at lying, I had been reminded of that little fact my whole life. But, I needed to really try. I had to get to Forks to sort this mess out.

So, I straightened out and sat up right. My mother's mom-radar went off and her attention instantly gravitated to me, looking just as she always had, childish glow and all. She instantly went off about how excited she was to go to Florida, how much I would love it there, how all our things were going to arrive there a day after us, the whole nine-yard.

It took all the strength I had to be normal. I recalled how I used to interact with my mother, and found I still had the right skills for dealing with her. I took her excited nature in stride, even though on the inside I was full of turmoil and panic.

Phil took the reins from me after about an hour of chatter, drawing my mother's attention to himself to give me a break. I silently thanked him for being such a great guy and took some time to just breathe. I let my head rest against the back of my seat, resting my wrists on top of my head in an attempt to stretch out my shoulders.

My eyes shot open, and I pulled my wrist in front of my face. There, on my forearm, was nothing. Absolutely nothing. The skin that used to be puckered in a crescent scar, was completely smooth and fine in the worst sense of the word. It did nothing to sooth my frayed nerves and mind. I could remember vividly, the feeling of James' teeth sinking into the soft flesh like a hot knife through butter. I could remember the slight tingle and pull in my arm as he sucked out a small bit of blood. And I remembered the burn, when my insides had been lit on fire.

I remembered seeing Edward, preparing to take the burn away as his teeth hovered over my arm. I wanted to stop him, because even though I hadn't imagined it happening that way it had been what I'd wanted. I wanted to join him in immortality, no matter how selfish it was. I remember the flames receding as he gently sucked the tainted blood from my system, staining himself to save my precious soul.

"Bella, honey, do you want to stop and get something to eat?"

Phil's shattered through the mirror of my memories, bringing me from my reflection. I looked at him through the rear view mirror and, seeing the time as noon on the radio clock, nodded while guiltily hiding my untouched granola bar beneath the blanket I had slept with.

He took a quick turn, pulling into a truck stop diner.

I mindlessly followed them inside, barely paid attention to what I'd ordered, and eat hardly anything while pushing the rest of it around my plate. Phil seemed to sense that I wasn't in the mood for conversation, and kept my mother focused on him with talks of Florida and the new home she would get to decorate and the new people she would get to meet. Once again, I owed my stepfather for being able to understand me so well and not forcing me to be included in their idle speech.

Once we were on the road again, I was still lost in my thoughts. I needed a break, a distraction from my thoughts. I looked around my in the car, and saw my old backpack on the floor, half-way hidden beneath the seat. I quickly pulled it up to me and unzipped the main compartment. I fished around, feeling mostly hygiene products and such until my fingers brushed crisp, weathered pages.

Silently thanking the world, I pulled my beaten up copy of Wuthering Heights from the bag. I let it fall back to the floor as I hurriedly opened the flimsy cover, burying myself in the pages as quickly as I could to get away from my thoughts. I saw my mother smile and shake her head at me out of the corner of my eye. She knew as well as anyone that I had read Wuthering Heights hundreds of time. If only she knew that I'd read it a hundred times more in a different reality.

The day slowly moved on and got dark, but I found myself unable to sleep so I stayed up with the back car light on and my book clutched in my hands. I knew that the second I tore myself away from my book, everything would come rushing back to ravage my brain with more memories and confusing theories. I was still away by the time Renee and Phil had traded places, Phil now sleeping away in the passenger side while Renee confidently took the wheel. I easily could've taken over for them both, but I didn't trust my weak mind and shaky hands at that moment.

Suddenly, from the front seat I heard my mother let out the most horrifying scream.

I'd pulled my book from my nose just in time to see an inhumanly pale figure standing in front of our car, unavoidably right in the way. My heart hammered in my rib cage as the world seemed to slow down to a crawl. We were seconds away from hitting the person head on, when he slammed his arm down right onto the hood, which crinkled line a piece of aluminum foil. The car flew upwards, front-flipping right over him. I felt myself getting thrown around the car, everything suddenly hurting.

I could hear Renee screaming as she was tossed in her seat belt, and a sickening crack coming from the passenger seat as Phil's suddenly limp body was thrown around. Everything went upside down, and we landed top-side up with a awful crash. The glass of the windows exploded under the pressure, and I felt the tiny shrapnel burying itself into my exposed skin.

My ears were ringing loudly, but I could Renee trying to speak to me in the front seat. I was bent around like a pretzel, and I'd had enough broken bones to know that my left arm and leg were shot. I tried to open my eyes, but had to squint the left one shut as a trail of blood slid over it. I could smell it. I wanted to throw up. I could feel it oozing from me in several places. A large slash on my collar, a strip of my jaw, and from a rather large cut on my stomach.

I could vaguely hear some talking, and weakly swung my head around. I could barely make out Renee in the front seat, struggling to unbuckle herself and reach out for me at the same time. She was sobbing, screaming at the top of her lungs. I could barely make out Phil's name coming from her garbled speak.

My tongue was heavy against the roof of my mouth, it felt dry and there was a tangy taste swishing between my teeth. It was disgusting.

The door on my side was violently ripped away, making me jolt and cause all my injuries to smart. Through my near unconsciousness state, I could make out the pale man now crouched next to where my door used to be. He cocked his head at me slowly, his eyes trailing over my twisted and broken body. He reached out slowly and ran his finger across the cut on my collar bone. Bolts of pain shot through me, and I whimpered as I watched him bring the bloody finger to his lips. He suckled it happily, his black eyes glinting happily.

He reached in, grabbing both my shoulder and broken leg before giving a mighty pull. My lungs caught fire as I scream, everything on my body crying out in agony. He dropped me flat against the road, looking at me while licking his lips.

"We made a good pick, Tony," He said softly, looking to his lips.

My head lolled over weakly, watching as another pale man, the one who'd actually been in front of our car, forcibly removed my mother from the car. She was sobbing and looking down right awful. Her arm was twisted, face cut, and body weak. Her eyes searched for mine, and I could see the tears falling down her sore-looking face.

Heart twisting, I fought to stay calm. When I'd wanted to know if vampire's still existed, I had in no way meant this.

The other man, Tony, let out a laugh as he looked over the car wreckage to the other side of the vehicle. "Looks like Jillian already started on her meal."

I didn't need to look to know what was happening to Phil. At least he had seemingly died upon impact, and wouldn't feel what we were about to feel.

"Get your hands off of my daughter," my mother spat viciously, a dribble of blood spilling from her lips as she struggled against Tony's grip.

He let out a dark chuckle, before horrifically tearing into her neck right before me. I watched my mother die before me, the light in her eyes that I'd always loved fading from her eyes. I watched as she went completely limp, and was dropped like used garbage once her captor was finished drinking her dry. My heart physically hurt in my chest, and I could no longer hold back as the tears began falling from my eyes.

Sobs wracked my pained body, making stomach clench. I cried loudly, screaming in pain. My body was broken, and my heart was shattered. I completely lost myself, and curled away from the three vampires watching me with amusement. Everything came crashing down, and I wanted nothing more than to fix everything. I wanted my mother back, I wanted Phil back, I wanted my father back, I wanted the Cullens back, and I didn't want to be broken. Being physically broken and mentally broken were different and both spirit killing, and being both at once made everything worse.

"Shh, shh, shh, don't cry love," the only female cooed, my step-father blood staining her perfect teeth.

Tony inhaled and stepped forward with a growl, his eyes going black again. "She smells delicious."

The other male snarled, hitting him in the chest with such a force that he crashed into what used to be our car. They both flew across to the other side of the road. "She is mine! I picked her out at the truck stop."

"We know you did, babe," the woman simpered submissively, "She's all yours Gregory."

The man grinned, crouching down and leaning in close. I could feel the chill of his skin rolling off of him in waves. He inhaled my bleeding neck, so close that his ice cold nose grazed the wound. I cried even harder as I felt his cool teeth graze my sink. Just as they began to pierce through my skin, Gregory was torn away from me violently.

My head was spinning as pale bodies were suddenly flying all around me. A small, pixie-like body crashed right into Jillian, catching her by the arm and sending her flying across the road. The pavement crumbled underneath the impact of her body, and she threw herself back at the new arrival with ferocity.

I could feel everything catching up to me, and knew that I was slipping away. Through partially lidded eyes I could see another male taking on both Tony and Gregory, his strong looking body easily dodging and striking almost effortless.

A third person was suddenly hovering over me, shielding the fighting from my view. The coldness of their body was seeping towards me slowly, making my already shaking form tremble. I strained to clear my vision, so that I could get a view of my saviors. A wave of calm and numbness washed over me thickly, to the point that I couldn't feel my wounds any longer. I had no more strength to keep crying, and with the pain of my wounds suddenly blind to me I could feel myself slipping away much easier and more peaceful like.

I wanted to get one look at my savior, just one, so I fought eternal sleep until I realized just who it was standing over me.

Jasper was looking at me intensely, his eyes a violent red. He wasn't breathing, as still a statue as he watching his power take over me. His dirty blond hair was perfectly ruffled, like I had always remembered. He seemed so different. More powerful, if that was possible to think of as someone who'd been on the wrong end of him. He radiated the demand for respect and perfect grace.

I couldn't believe my eyes. He was there before me, but I saw no recognition in his eyes. His face was well masked, hiding everything away from me as I tried to search his eyes for an answer to the mess that had become my life. Surely he would have a better answer then I would.

Death was pulling on my hand, beckoning me into his warm embrace. I tried to reach up for Jasper's cheek. I wanted to know he was real. I wanted to know that they were real before I accepted Death's eternal company.

I was too weak, too shaky. My hand lifted two inches from my chest before it fell right back to wear it was before. I felt a tear slipped past the calm he was pushing onto me, my breath coming out shorter and shorter as my lungs slowly began to give up their jobs. Jasper's eyes followed the tear with a strange observance, before taking my hand in his. His skin was smooth and beautiful to the touch. He took it between both of his and held it to his face almost tenderly, looking me right in the eyes as my own been to droop.

I was only conscious for a bit longer. Just enough to see Jasper turn his face towards my hand, before slipping down and pressing his lips to my wrist. My dying heart jumped softly as I gazed upon him. A second later, as my mind drifted away and my eyes lost the strength to stay open, I felt his teeth tear into my wrist, then the other, then my ankles, and finally right above my heart. I could feel his venom enter me with each bite. Each touch of his skin made my skin spark.

Death must've been furious at being cheated a life, because I could've sworn the burn this time was a hundred times hotter than before.

* * *

**Harley: I hope you enjoyed. Please leave a review and tell me what you think, so I know whether this is a total failure or not. I'm still decided whether I should start writing fanfiction again.**

**Please review, and thank you for taking the time to read my first chapter.**


	2. Radioactive

**Harley: I want to thank everyone who took enough time from their day to review. It means a lot.**

**I'd also like to warn everyone that I'm taking Bella realistically. She will be a blood-lusting newborn. She will not fall in love with Jasper at first glance, nor he with her.**

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Chapter 2 - Radioactive

_"I'm waking up to ash and dust_

_I wipe my brow and sweat my rust_

_I'm breathing in the chemicals_

_I'm breaking in and shaping up_

_Then checking out on the prison bus_

_This is it, the apocalypse_

_Whoa_

_I'm waking up_

_I feel it in my bones_

_Enough to make my systems glow_

_Welcome to the new age_

_To the new age."_

_-Radioactive, by Imagine Dragons_

**Bella Swan**

I was loosing myself in flame. I could feel it licking my tender insides, swallowing my veins and organs. Fire burned and tingled around my bite marks, slowly spreading towards my center. I could feel the liquid fire moving inside of me, inside each individual vein and pumping through my system. I had only briefly felt this kind of pain before, and it was nothing compared to the second time around.

Each second felt like an hour, and I spent thousands of them burning in the pits of hell. My mind had everything to think about while I was burning, and I tried my hardest to think of everything I could so that the fire wouldn't burn them from my mind. I wanted to remember it all, even though I could almost feel some of my not-so-clear memories charring in the blaze. Some got foggy and burnt, but they were still there. I made sure to think of all the people I'd loved and met, in both the life I'd left behind and the new one that I'd just began. I wanted to remember both, and the situation I'd been placed in.

My mind was succumbing to the flame as my limbs screamed out in pain. The venom was taking control, destroying all my humanity cruelly. My heart was beating quicker and quicker in passing, trying desperately to fight the poison in my body. I sometimes wished that I could have a nice chat with my heart, and tell it to give up. It tried too hard at the worst moments, and its effort had caused me a lot of grief in my short life. My short life that was about to become forever. Nothing would ever be the same.

Everything intensified when I felt my bones begin to crack back into place. The fire raged molten hot around the mending bone, sending me into silent scream. I'd cried and screamed my voice raw hours ago. Or was it days? Either way I was completely unable to speak with the desert-like grit inside of my throat. I could do nothing but sit in pain, allowing the fire to both mend my body and try to perfect it to fit vampire standards. It would steal the warmth from my skin, the blood from my veins, and choices only my humanity could make.

I would no longer sleep, no longer cry, no longer have the option of kids, and had a whole new policy to follow under vampire law. None of that had seemed so bad in the beginning, but suddenly having it ripped away from me made me realize just how awful it was to loose these things. Nothing would ever be normal ever again. I would be something supernatural, different from the norm. I was now completely stuck in being different, something that I'd been my whole life.

After Edward left, I hadn't considered whether I still wanted to be a vampire or not. I supposed that I still did. I felt like I'd fit in more with vampire than I had with humans. But, being different alone was a totally other thing. I had no assurances of whether someone would be there for me when I woke up. With the Cullens I had known that when I was changing and after, someone would've been there for me to help me get along. Now, I felt alone.

Would Jasper be there? Why wasn't he with the Cullens? Why were his eyes red? Had this new reality really changed that much? Nothing made sense, and none of it helped the burn.

A wave of calm washed over the flames currently burning in my thighs and shoulders, calming the intensity just slightly. I was thankful for the relief, and let out a soft sigh. It was like sleeping while your house was burning down around you, but you were unable to wake up and stop it even though you knew it was happening. That was exactly how I felt at that moment.

I could still feel things slipping away from me. Little things stopped making sense, and the instincts inside of me felt more strong and enticing. I could no longer hear anything, or feel anything for that matter. I was floating in total flames, left to slowly feel myself burn apart and come from the ashes anew. I could feel my mind emptying, certain memories and things floating away. My favorite color? Did I ever have one? I thought of my favorite food when I still had that memory, and felt repulsed. I thought of my father and mother, picturing them in my mind, and seeing what almost looked like a blurry photo. I had an idea of who they were, and a few strong memories of them managed to survive the fire.

The time jump remained in my mind, and I was glad that I hadn't forgotten it.

Empty spaces filled my head, and things that had once been super important no longer fit the puzzle. They simply floated away to be lost forever. I tried my hardest to hang onto the memories that held a lot of meaning to me, but I could feel even some of those getting ripped away from my grasp.

Through the flame, ash, and internal chaos, I felt my heart begin to beat faster. It was like a drum solo in a song, rapidly building up to the peak of the song. It was hammering away painfully in my chest, and I could feel the fire reaching for it with fingers of inferno. The flames licked at it, threatening to consume it whole as it frantically tried to beat it off and keep pumping blood. It was such a strong body part. It wanted to stay alive so badly. It wanted to do it's job and keep going. But, sadly, things don't always work the way we want to,

I felt myself opening my mouth in a croaking scream, as the flames touched my heart and began closing in. My heart was beating so hard, but all I could feel was a poking heat where it should've been. My nerves tingled as they felt the end coming, and I curled my fingers tightly against my palms.

My heart gave one last, defiant thud, before going eternally still and silent inside my chest.

* * *

I didn't open my eyes at first. My senses came alive, and I could suddenly hear everything. I could hear leaves shaking almost a mile away, birds chirping, water trickling, and the wind. I could hear it all, and my brain didn't want to slow down to pick just one to focus on. My thoughts were running a mile a second, from one direction to the other. Each sound was so much more crisp and prominent, my brain couldn't get enough of all of them and committing them to memory. It wasn't just one sound, either. It took ahold of all of them in stride, filing them away.

I inhaled through my nose, delighted when the smell of grass and nature filled my senses. A part of me, a deep part I couldn't remember nor reach, relished in the almost familiar smell. Something inside of me connected with it and took enjoyment of it. I could smell undertones of other things. Three strange scents filled my nose, making my body tense. Something told me that I should be on guard. The smells made me tense and uncomfortable, because they weren't familiar.

Slowly, I opened my eyes and for the first time, I saw everything.

I could see dust floating in the air, the swirls and discoloration in the wood ceiling. I could count each plank without loosing count in my head. I could also count the dust mites, something my brain was doing almost subconsciously as I discovered the new world before me. I wanted to see everything, examining it all.

Suddenly, something moved in the corner of the room.

My body was moving almost against my will, shooting into a crouching position in the opposite corner of the room. My body tingled with awareness as my eyes locked onto a some-what familiar figure in the other corner. He was standing submissively, with his hands in front of him and relaxed. That didn't help sooth my frayed nerves, which were looking for both a way out and how to get around this male.

As I took him in, I realized how strong he was by just looking at him. All across his arms I could see bite marks, pale scars marring his skin. The stood out as a sign, a warning in my brain that this vampire was not to be trifled with. He had triumphed many. Not only that, but he seemed to radiate a sort of dominance despite his attempts at showing me otherwise. He seemed to know what he was doing, though. He was keeping his eyes low, but still looking at me softly.

"Hello, ma'am."

I flinched when he spoke, pressing myself further against the wall. Astonishingly, I could feel it splintering and cracking. I didn't think I was pressing that hard.

He stopped, allowing me to relax before speaking again. "My name is Jasper Whitlock."

Jasper. Ahh, I remembered him. Flashes of him passed through my head. Jasper at school, Jasper standing with Alice, Jasper ripping into James as Edward tried sucking the venom out, and, finally, Jasper attacking me on my birthday.

The memory didn't do much to help me, but I knew, inside, that he wouldn't hurt me. Maybe. His red eyes were off putting, and I remembered the time jump. The gaps in my memory didn't help for the confusion, but it helped me understand that things were different from my scattered memories. Here, Jasper hadn't done any of that. Jasper didn't know me, and I wasn't supposed to know him.

Involuntarily, I found out that I had been sniffing the air. One of the three unknowns smells from before had belonged to the male before me, and I found myself instantly connecting it with him. It was a gentle smell, with a spicy undertone. A part of me liked it, the other part still feared the unknown that came along with this male.

"Bella," I whispered, the voice coming from my throat sounding foreign.

He nodded slowly, stepping forward a little before stopping when I tensed up, my legs preparing for a spring-attack if I felt too cornered.

"Does your throat burn?" He asked, his piercing red eyes watching me carefully.

The second he mentioned it, the flames came back to life but only inside my throat. It felt like hell had taken refuge inside of my throat, burning hotly with an intense desire. The second he said it, all I wanted to do was feed. The itch in my throat begged to be soothed, and the pit of my stomach felt oddly empty. My senses were frayed, and I wanted something to drink. I knew exactly what I needed, through small bits and pieces of what I remembered about vampires. The small, defiant part of me didn't want it. It was easily pummeled by the side that did, the side that craved.

I nodded, pressing a hand to my raging throat.

"If you will allow me, I will teach you how to hunt," he said slowly, making sure I understood that his proposition meant that he would have to get close to me.

A few moments passed before I was capable of nodding at him, slowly loosing my tense stance and stretching to my full height. He relaxed a bit more, but was still very aware of me and what I could do. He seemed to understand how I felt at that moment, just awakening into my new life.

_Oh._

Jasper felt others emotions. I remembered that.

I watched him carefully as he walked over to the balcony doors, pushing them open gently. The smells I'd been able to pick up from outside intensified as a barrier between me and them was removed, and the wind was allowed to gently nudge them close and play with the strands of my hair. I took a moment to simple smell, picking up on hints of new things and semi-familiar things that were a lot stronger then I remembered.

Jasper waited patiently, standing out on the balcony to give me a moment to sort through me senses.

I didn't want to keep him waiting, so I cut my actions short and went to go and stand with him on the balcony. I was still very cautious, even though in my head I knew that he wouldn't hurt me. Even though I remembered a bit from my birthday, I remembered him protecting me the most. I remember deceiving him at the motel, watching him destroy James. Out of most of my memories, I seemed to remember him the clearest. I didn't know why, but I enjoyed the clarity. It helped sooth my mind a bit.

Jasper looked over to me, his eyes finding mine. "Just follow me."

With that, he vaulted over the balcony railing and fell three levels down. He did so with perfect grace, and I remembered how much I used to trip as a human. I didn't think that anything could compare to Jasper's grace after watching that.

He must have felt my hesitance, and called back up to me. "It's alright, darlin'. You'll land just fine. Your new body is a lot more durable than you think."

Without another thought, I vaulted after him. I could feel gravity jerk me down, pulling me back down. I could see the Earth getting closer and closer, but I felt prepared for it. I hit the ground and my legs bent slightly, absorbing all the pressure perfectly. A fall like that should've broken both of my legs, but I'd felt absolutely nothing.

A wonderful feeling was rushing through me. I'd enjoyed that immensely. I didn't fall down, didn't stumble. I managed to jump and land with grace. It made me want to do it again, just to make sure that it wasn't some kind of fluke.

I took the time to look around me. We were completely surrounded by forests. The house was a three story wood house, with a lot of windows and such. It was beautifully crafted, a true piece of great work and effort. It made me feel a bit safer to know that we were so secluded. I didn't like the idea of being around a lot of people, the thought of it made me very nervous and jittery. I didn't like feeling unsafe, it wasn't a comfortable feeling and was a lot more intense then it had been before.

I looked at Jasper, who looked slightly amused by my enjoyment.

"Follow me, darlin', and we'll see what we can do about that burn," he said, before taking off running into the forest.

I flinched for a second at his sudden movement, almost falling into a crouch again. I managed to shake the feeling off, following after him. Imagine my immense pleasure and surprise when I realized that I could keep up with him. I stayed behind him a bit, so that I could continue following him but I knew that I could run faster if I wanted. I wanted, but a part of me didn't want to go against what he'd told me to do. He said to follow him, and I did. Somehow, I trusted him even though I was still weary.

Trees flew past us, and it was easy to avoid them. Anything that I might've tripped on in my other life was easily dodged or trampled underneath my strong and quick feet. It was absolutely amazing. The pure power bursting through my legs and arms was one of the most intense feeling I'd ever felt, and knew why vampires loved going fast then. No matter who you were, a rush of power was a pleasant thing. It felt wonderful to feel in control. It was freeing, like opening your mind and body and letting yourself be who you really are.

I watched Jasper closely. His dirty blond hair was whipping in the wind, and I could see his body ripple and flex with each movement. It was almost hypnotizing watching a vampire do anything, even if I was one. He was like a well oiled machine, moving with grace and acquired skill. He looked a lot more comfortable in his vampire skin than I did, and I only could hope that that would eventually come in time.

Jasper slowed to a stop just before a river, causing me to stop just behind him.

He turned to face me, his face hard. "I need you to stay here, Bella. I will come back with something to help your burn, but you cannot follow me. You might lose control and we don't need any accidents. Don't cross the river, stay right here, alright?"

Something was different about Jasper. He wasn't the same as he was in my memories. He was still Jasper, but he wasn't. Something seemed to be missing from his equation, something that left him back in the dark. I couldn't remember Jasper's story, if it'd ever been told to me. Something told me that I hadn't, and that made it all the harder to figure out why he was like this.

I nodded at him, feeling compelled to trust him. There was a link between us, I could tell. It was probably due to the fact that he had been my sire. I remembered small flashes of him, standing over my broken body and biting my wrist. A small part of me recognized that, and felt like I should respect him for it.

In a split second, he was gone, having jumped right across the river without getting even a little drop of water on him, and I felt extremely alone. I had enjoyed and feared the power that Jasper radiated. It warned me that he was stronger and more experienced than I was, but accompanied with his comforting actions, it meant that he could also protect me.

I found myself looking at everything and anything to distract myself. After a few minutes I had been unable to hear Jasper's departure and I found myself more nervous. Something could attack me at any moment, and I didn't like that at all. I felt vulnerable, all out in the open next to the stream. But Jasper had told me to stay, and I would respect that.

Closing my eyes, I focused on the sound of the running river and rustling three leaves. I could hear tiny bug scuttling around on the bark of the trees, leaves softly whispering together as they gently blew in the wind, and the slick noise of water running over rocks. I felt as though I should've been sitting to complete the moment, but I didn't want to. I felt like I had unlimited energy, and that I could stand forever and never get tired.

The burning in my throat was almost unbearable at that point. Without Jasper, It'd come back at me with full force. I tried to swallow it away, but that made it even worse. It felt like rubbing sandpaper against raw skin, and I refrained from swallowing any longer. I held it, and after discovering I could do so, I held my breath. I didn't feel the need to breathe when I wasn't doing so. It felt like just a small luxury, being able to breathe when I couldn't sleep, dream, or having children. It was refreshing to do it, but when it came down to it I didn't feel the urge or need to do so.

After holding my breath for five minutes straight, exactly, I took in a deep breath.

A smell, an oh-so beautifully mouthwatering smell, wafted into my nose. It filled up my senses, taking the reins from me. I was no longer in control. All I wanted was that smell. It was mine, ever so delicious and succulent to my senses. My eyes snapped open, and I barely even saw Jasper as he landed back on my side of the river. All I could sense was the trembling form in his arms.

Jasper quickly threw the man to the ground, and jumped away to show me that he was all mine.

Another part of me snapped, and before I could even consider an alternative or something else, my teeth were upon the mans neck. I could taste salt and tang against his skin, which was the disgusting outer layer of the rubies that lay beneath the surface. I tore into his neck, unable to stop myself or my raging hunger. My teeth pierced through his skin with no trouble at all, sinking into the flesh to make way for the crimson banquet beneath. The second his neck was open, I began to drink.

Warm, delicious, liquid rubies pooled into my mouth. I drank in big gulps, feeling the liquid soothing the wild ache in the back of my throat.

I was too frenzied to even consider the fact that I'd just killed a man.

* * *

**Harley: I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, and I want to thank everyone who favorited, followed, and reviewed.**

**Please review, and tell me what you think. I appreciate every comment.**


	3. What I've Done

**Harley: First I just want to say wow. I got only four awesome reviews for my first chapter, and now we're at sixteen. Thank all of you so much, it really motivates me to know the people are enjoying what I write.**

* * *

Chapter 3 - What I've Done

_"In this farewell_

_There's no blood_

_There's no alibi_

_'Cause I've drawn reget_

_From the truth_

_Of a thousand lies_

_So let mercy come_

_And wash away_

_What I've done."_

_-What I've Done, by Linkin Park_

**Bella Swan**

I couldn't stop myself once it began. The frenzy for blood was much too great of a pull. Once the smell hit me, I was lost to myself. The calm, rational part of me that I struggled to hand on to was pushed back into the deep, dark recesses of my mind. I became the monster I'd only seen a few vampires become. The first had been James, vicious and cruel. The second had been Jasper, hungry and out of control. Those two memories were burned deep, and they were one of the few things I could think of aside from the crimson slithering down my throat.

I drank and drank, letting the delicious rubies sooth the frenzied aching in my throat. After the first few drops had hit my tongue, everything had intensified. The burn, my senses, everything. Everything but my conscious. I lost myself to the monster in me with just the first whiff of blood, and now a person's life was forever erased from existence. But at that moment, I didn't care at all. In fact, I was quiet the opposite. I wanted more, I needed more.

When my source ran dry, I let the empty carcass drop away from me with a sick _thump_ against the ground. I stood there for a moment, trembling with hunger. The sweet, delicious taste of blood was still lingering in the back of my throat and on my tongue. The realization that there was no more near me had set in, and my eyes snapped open. I took in a deep breath, faintly smelling more scents. They were each of blood, but each had its own calling card. It was like a buffet made especially for me.

Searching for the source of the smell, my eyes landed on the male watching from the shadows. His presence made my body tense, but somewhere back in the rational part of my mind, I remembered that he wasn't a threat. I remembered that he'd brought me my first meal. He'd taken care of me. Just not as much as I needed.

In an instant I was right next to him, realizing that the smell was coming off of him and his clothes. He'd been around all the blood and had only brought me one.

"You want more?" He asked, slowly and low so that he wouldn't startle me.

My eyes found his. His eyes were a bright crimson, intense and vibrant against his pale complexion. I liked them, they made me think of the rubies. Sweet, sweet, savory rubies.

The male seemed to take my stare for an answer, and once again he commanded me to stay before vaulting over the river once more. The rational part of me, the small part that'd been put into the backseat for my monster, told me to listen to him. Said that he was Jasper, he was safe, and he would take care of me. He would bring back food and everything would be okay. But, my rational side just didn't _understand_. My throat was hot and pained, and every part of me tingled at the thought of more. I needed it.

_Now._

I ran towards the river, jumping right over it. I began to smell the air, catching on the male's, Jasper's, scent. I followed it, weaving through the trees. I crossing many miles, following Jasper far enough away that he wouldn't be able to sense me or hear me. New smells began to come with the wind, some delicious and others completely repulsive. The good thing was, though, that I could smell the blood faintly on the wind. It was getting stronger and I was getting fast, becoming sloppy in my tracking.

Nothing could stop me, nothing and no one. It was all mine. Mine, mine, mine! I would break their necks and see what was inside, before taking it all for myself. I was a hunter, it was my right. They were the prey, ripe for picking.

Jasper's smell suddenly got more tense, and I broke through the tree's to find myself on the edge of a little town. It was fairly small, a quaint little place. I didn't care, though. All I cared about was all the blood. It was everywhere, I could feel it. Pulsing around me, thick and inviting. Calling to me with it's warmth and rhythmic song. I would have it all. It was the ambrosia of vampires, and I understood then how it truly felt to be out of control. My senses were working against me, and I had no control.

I went for the closest heartbeat, pulsing rapidly in what seemed to be panic. It just so happened to be in the direction Jasper's trail was pointing me. I found myself in a shaded ally way, the sun casting the building's shadow over it. In the shade, I saw Jasper holding a human. It was another male, and this time I had a good look at my prey before feeding. He looked awful, to be honest. He was sunken in, gaunt to the extreme, and smelled of urine and smoke. He was grimy, and looked like his habits had shook him and laid him out to dry.

His haunting blue eyes would forever be imprinted into my memory. The fear that filled them as Jasper held him and as he saw me shoot down the alley, right for him. Jasper continued to hold him as I appeared before them, sinking my teeth into the man's neck. It was a simple and easy rinse and repeat process. I drank, stealing the man's life from him second by second. Part of me felt like a sick glutton, while the other felt like a cat that'd gotten a second saucer of cream.

When I pulled away, I saw that Jasper had been holding my prey to cover his mouth and make sure that the man wouldn't scream while he was being attacked. I couldn't understand why, it wasn't like anyone else would be alive much longer to do anything about it.

I darted away, going for the next heart beat that I could hear approaching the alleyway, when I felt strong arms wrap around me. Fury shot through me at the thought of being denied the rest of feast, and I struggled with all my might. I was stronger than him, I was freshly born. His experience scared me in my state of mind, but couldn't care less when it came to prospect of feeding.

"Stop, Bella! Stop!" He hissed into my ear, and suddenly he hit me.

No, not physically. Physically, he was still restraining me. But, suddenly, in mid-panic, I felt a wave of emotions slam into me. It was like a hurricane, pulling me in and tossing me around until I felt so mentally beat up that I was actually tired. Everything felt loose and weak, a feeling I never thought a vampire could ever physically feel. Lethargy and numbness sank into my skin and bones, killing a good portion of the feeling in my body. I tried so hard to fight it, weakly floundering in his arms in an attempt to get away. I felt attacked and betrayed. Why would he deny me such a beautiful thing?

Wrapping his arms tighter around me, my back flat against his chest, one of his hands took mine and forced me to face the entrance of the alley way. Light was spilling around the corner, and I could see the road with the stores and houses on the other side. The sun had bathed it in light, while I stood there in the dark, aching with hunger and numb from the emotions Jasper was forcing upon me. I could see every crack in the side walk, faint tire tracks imprinted on the road, and the small particles of dust clinging to the windows of the buildings.

I didn't understand what Jasper wanted me to see, until I took a breath in. I struggled more as a fresh wave of hunger washed over me, the delicious smell of blood all around me. I could hear it. I could hear all the hearts around me pumping my food, hear it traveling through their veins. One of the heartbeats was particularly closer, and I struggled to overcome the numb to get to in time as it came closer to the entrance of the alley way.

Then, everything seemed to stop. That little heartbeat, that sacred, precious heartbeat, and the person it belonged to walked passed the entrance. Everything seemed to go in slow motion as everything came crashing onto my shoulders. It was a little girl, who couldn't have been older than 6. She had a head of silky brown curls that barely brushed her shoulders, a soft flush of color to her delicate skin, and a light in her emerald green eyes that could only be found in the innocence of a child. She was the picture of happy, humming softly to her self as she skipped down the street.

She paused in front of the alleyway, accidently dropping a colored rock she'd had clutched in her palm. "Whoopsie! I gotta take this to Mommy! She loves it when I bring her pretty stones! She'll be so happy when I get home and show this to her..."

I felt sick. Sick because the realization of what I'd done, and what I'd almost done, was suddenly bearing down upon me. Sick because I'd killed two men, and nearly slaughtered a little six-year old girl who still had her whole world ahead of her. Sick because of the thoughts I'd had. Sick because I still felt it, the pull of the blood. If Jasper hadn't been numbing and restraining me in that moment, I'd have still went for it. I would've killed that little girl, and everyone else in that town. I was a monster.

"Get me out of here," I rasped, holding my breath so that I would no longer be able to smell the blood coming off of the small child any longer. I didn't want to feel the pull any more. I didn't want to feel hunger towards this little girl. She wasn't food. Not mine, not anyone elses. None of them were. "Please, please just get me out of here."

Jasper threw the dead body over his shoulder before taking me into his arms. The steady flow of lethargy and numbness intensified, making me go slack in his arms. In seconds we were back in the woods, headed back the way we'd came. I could hear the bustle of the town and the heartbeats of its people getting fainter, thankful to be away from them.

I stared up at the tree tops rushing by, avoiding Jasper's face. On the outside, I was numb and completely limp. On the inside, I was a mess. The horror of what'd just happened was pooling in my stomach, sloshing around with the blood. The guilt was settling heavily into the pit of my stomach. I kept replaying the scene in my mind over and over again, feeling small remnants of how I'd felt while out of control, and all the nasty things I'd thought of. They'd all made perfect sense at the time, but looking back I could see just how driven a vampire could be by bloodlust. It felt like I was thinking of another person, because I'd never thought myself capable of anything like that.

I'd snapped and the vampire in me had taken control. All I could think of was that I was like James, and that made me feel even sicker. I'd killed, tasted, and indulged and had enjoyed it. I couldn't stand the thought of becoming something like him.

I was pulled back into reality when I felt Jasper lowering me to my feet. The lethargy and numbness slowly left me, all my limbs and joints waking back up slowly. I looked into his eyes, and his own pair stared back into mine. After what felt like hours, he looked away first. He walked over to the first body I'd drained, and that was when I realized we were back across the river and miles away from civilization. It made me feel like less of a danger and more calm.

"Wait right here," he instructed, taking both bodies further into the woods.

It wasn't long before he was back, the smell of death and blood lingering around him. He searched for me, and found me curled up next the river, desperately trying to was the blood from my front. It came off of my skin quickly, but my clothes were ruined. The blue button up and black shorts I'd woken up in were destroyed, complete with sizable tears and blood stains. Not only that, but each time I tried to pinch the fabric, as lightly as I could, it would rib even more under my overbearing strength. I hated it, and I didn't want to look at the color red any longer.

I looked at my face, and saw vibrant crimson staring back at me. I knew then that I would never completely get rid of the red, because it would always be with me. It would always be part of my life, no matter how strongly I wished it would go away. I would never be able to forget what had just happened.

"Do you understand what just happened?" I heard Jasper ask from behind, and soon saw his reflection standing above me.

"I'm a murderer," I said softly.

"You are a vampire," he said back, his reflection staring at me.

I still felt so wild and untamed. I could still recognize Jasper as someone safe, but after seeing his capability of incapacitating me with ease, I was weary. But, not afraid somehow. The trust I felt towards him as my sire and teacher was slowly building with each experience. He'd easily taken me down, but he'd stopped me from murdering more than two. He'd helped me save the life of a young girl, and the lives of a whole town. He spared me the extra guilt, and I was thankful for it.

Jasper knelt down beside me, looking right into my eyes. "Those two men you killed were not as innocent as you think they are."

"What do you mean?" I asked, turning to face him completely.

"I picked those two men out specifically while you were still changing," he explained. "The first was a drunk. He beat his wife and kids daily. The second was a rapist. From what I'd managed to see, he'd done it plenty of times before. He had a strategy and back-up plan, the whole nine yards."

"You planned this," I realized, my eyes widening.

He didn't deny it, or nod. He just continued to speak. "If I hadn't intended for you to go against my commands and follow me into town, I would've brought them both to you at once."

My mind was reeling. Why would he go through all the effort of that, just to restrain me and bring me back? I couldn't possibly understand his motives. The whole thing seemed like a bunch of unneeded stress. Why would he do that to me? He was an empath, he could feel how utterly horrified and disgusted I was with myself. Why would he tell me this, and rub salt in my wounds? Not only had I been forced to take the passenger seat to the new beast within me, it had all been planned and I'd fallen for it.

"I wanted to show you that life is precious," Jasper continued after a moment, looking away. "I didn't plan for that little girl to be there, but it was best that she was. It seemed to hit you hard enough, darlin'. Those two men you killed were scum that had wasted their lives. They've ruined others and wasted their existence. There is a difference between them and others, like that little girl. I wanted to show you that the easy way, so that you didn't find out any other way. I wanted to help you see the difference."

_That was the easy way to learn?_

"So you hunt criminals?" I questioned, feeling the knot in my stomach loosen up a little.

Jasper nodded. "Not at first. I hunted anyone and everything when I'd been first changed. My sire had encouraged it, and for the first years of my life I didn't care. Only later, when I found out that there was more to life, only then did I regret what I'd done. I've killed many innocent people, and that will hold me for the rest of my existence."

Everything felt much clearer. If I thought about it, I'd saved a lot of people from a lot of pain. If what Jasper had said was correct, I'd helped some people with my indulgence. I didn't have to be like James. I didn't even have to be like Carlisle or the rest of the Cullens. I could be myself. Feeding from humans didn't sound so bad that way. I could take that path, and not feel bad. I just needed to be able to spot the difference. I needed to be able to weed out the food from the precious lives. I could do that.

"Thank you," I said after a few moments silence.

Jasper's eyes shot to mine.

"You could've let me go crazy, but you didn't. You helped me see the difference."

There was a small swell of doubt growing within me. I didn't know if I would be able to pull away from the monster. I'd had to be restrained both physically and mentally, and even then I'd still fought for blood. I didn't want my instincts to win. I wanted the choice. I wanted to be able to control myself and my life.

Jasper must've been able to feel my doubt, because then I felt his hand on my shoulder. "I will help you, if you let me."

"Yeah," I agreed almost instantly, confidence building.

For a while, we sat in silence. The sun was dipping low and the temperature was dropping colder. It didn't phase me in the slightest. What did phase me, however, was how utterly still I could be. I hadn't moved a single centimeter in the last seven minutes, and felt as though I could stay that way forever. The guilt in my stomach had lessened, and it took the remaining pieces of it as a reminder. Maybe it would help me have more restraint the next time I fed.

I nearly bolted when Jasper suddenly stood, my nerves shaking at the sudden movement.

He noticed, and was quick to apologize. "Sorry, darlin', I shoulda known better."

"Why would you know better?" I was quick to ask, the internal itch to learn more about this reality's Jasper intense and incessant.

"I've dealt with many newborns before you."

That was all he said about that, dropping the subject quicker than I dropped my meals earlier. I wanted to press more, but something told me that if I did he might get angry. That was the last thing I wanted, so I left it alone along with all the other questions bouncing around the inside of my head.

"It's time for us to go back home. You need to meet the rest of the coven," Jasper said, extending his hand down to me with courtesy.

My attention was instantly won over, and I looked at Jasper in fear. "You have a coven?"

He nodded, his hand still stretched down to me. "Yes, my friend Peter and his mate Charlotte. They're excited to meet you, and I promised that I'd have you fed and home by the time dark fell."

I was instantly terrified. I didn't know these vampires. What if they tried to hurt me? Would Jasper stop them, or side with them? What if I ended up completely alone and unable to control myself?

Those thoughts and those similar were swirling around in my head. I couldn't stop the flow of panic, even though the side of me that was a bit more sensible was trying to stem the flow. If they were friends of Jasper, then they could be at least some-what trusted, it reasoned. If my sire could trust them then it would all be okay.

"Don't worry, darlin'. Peter and Char are good with newborns as well. They won't hurt you," Jasper said, interrupting my mental panic.

Taking in a deep breath, I reached up for his hand. I saw him wince a bit as I grasped too hard, but he hid it well underneath his mask. I tried to lessen my grip, but I had little to no idea of how hard or soft I should grasp things. It must've been pretty bad if I could even make a vampire wince. It was just another thing on my plate that I would have to work on.

Once I was up right the two of us took off back in the direction of the house I'd woken up in. We were taking the exact same path we had before. I could tell not only because the path of broken roots and saplings, but from my memory. As a human, none of it would've looked familiar but as a vampire I could remember almost everything down to my exact foot fall. It was as fresh as though it'd just been done seconds before, not with a chunk of hours filling a gap between.

The forest was beautiful at night. As a human, it would've been more creepy than anything, but with Jasper at my side and my confidence of my new strength, all that was null and void. I could relish in the beauty of the shadows and how mysterious everything looked at night. It had a certain art to it. That, accompanied by the fact that I could still see the details in the darkness, added to the experience.

I smelled two some-what familiar scents getting closer as we neared the break in the trees. They were two smells that I'd smelled on Jasper before. They were strong and fresh, as though they'd ran around the area to put their scents out there so that I'd know that they were around. The unknown was horrifying, but I was ready. Jasper's earlier assurance had me mentally prepped, even though I was still a bit on edge.

We broke through the tree line, seeing the beautiful log how just as it had been when we'd left. However, there was two unfamiliar vampires standing in front of it, not how we'd left it. The male stood in front, his hands visible but his eyes strong. The female was tucked behind him, her stance submissive but her eyes shining slightly.

Jasper stopped us a few yards away from them, turning to face me. "Bella, this is Peter and his mate Charlotte."

I raised my eyes to meet Peter's, and felt myself loosen up slightly. I could tell that he wasn't threatening, even though he stood in front of his mate. It seemed natural for them to be like that. He was prepared incase I felt threatened and attacked, so that he could protect her. Though I had no doubt that she could protect herself. Both of them had a fair amount of scarring, but not as much as Jasper. The woman, Charlotte, had even less than her mate, but I could see the few crescent moons decorating her arm.

They'd all had a rough past, I could tell.

Wearily, I smiled. "Hello."

Charlotte smiled at my greeting, moving away from her mate slightly. "Hello. I'm Charlotte, it's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you, too," I said softly, before looking over to Peter.

He made me a bit more nervous then Charlotte did. He seemed too much like Jasper, but not Jasper. That made me a bit on edge, because I knew how strong Jasper was. It wasn't hard to tell that Peter was strong, too, by the scars scattered across his body. But, Jasper trusted him and Charlotte. So, I would trust them, too, unless they proved to be a threat.

I began to make my way towards him and Charlotte, slowly. Peter tensed, nudging Charlotte back behind him. I could feel all eyes on me, especially Jasper's against my back. I felt more exposed with each step away from him, but I forced myself further. I had to try if I was going to be living around these other vampires. And I wanted to be friendly with them. I wanted to be comfortable around them.

When I was literally a couple feet away from the tensed pair, I slowly stuck my hand out towards Peter. "Hello Peter, my name is Bella."

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**Harley: Whew, what a way to spend a Sunday. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.**

**Please review!**


	4. Tomorrow

**Harley: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, I'm glad everyone's enjoying this so far.**

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Chapter 4 - Tomorrow

_"I'm not afraid of tomorrow,_

_I'm only scared of myself._

_Feels like my insides are on fire,_

_And I'm looking through_

_The eyes of someone else."_

_-Tomorrow, by SR-71_

Peter's eyes met mine evenly, but I could see that there was a slightly pleased look to him. Without hesitation, he reached forward and enclosed my small hand in his own. We didn't shake, however, but continued to look at each other, sizing one another up. I could see him as the threat he could potentially be, while he saw the same. We seemed to have a common goal in mind, however, and that was to come to an understanding that neither of us would hurt the other unless properly provoked.

"It's nice to meet you, Bella," Peter said softly, giving my hand a firm squeeze before letting it go to fall at my side.

Charlotte seemed to take this as the okay, and slowly moved around Peter to get closer to me. "How was your first hunt?"

If I'd been human, I might've felt a shiver roll down my spine. But, the involuntary reaction was no longer there. Instead, I could feel the guilt return and settle into my full stomach. My mind flashed back to the little girl I'd almost devoured, and felt a certain reluctance to tell her.

"Everything went well, she only drained two and all accidents were avoided," Jasper intervened from behind, suddenly much closer to me.

I flinched slightly at his fast movement, but I was much more comfortable with it now. It still sent my nerves crawling, but I understood that Jasper wouldn't hurt me. I think that he knew that I felt safe with him, because he stood a bit closer to me then he had before when I'd first woken up.

"Only two?" Charlotte's eyebrows drew together. "Are you sure she got enough? Are you still thirsty, Bella?"

I suddenly felt sheepish, feeling all three eyes on me. Shifting nervously, I touched my throat lightly as I replied. "It doesn't burn or itch as much anymore, almost like it's a dull ache. I'm fine."

Charlotte nodded, satisfied. "Alright, if you start feeling the burn again just say so. As a newborn you'll have a bigger appetite for a while. We've all been there, so do be afraid to just ask if you need something."

"Could I possibly shower?" I asked, looking down at all the blood sticking to my clothes.

Each time I looked down at myself I could only think of the bloodlust, and the monster that I knew was waiting beneath the surface of my skin. I wanted to get clean, though I knew that I would never be clean again. A part of me knew that I'd had a choice, though. I knew that I could've told Jasper that I wanted to drink from animals. I remember that possibility, but I'd chosen differently. I hadn't chosen it, even though it'd been there for the taking. Maybe part of me understood that this was what I was, that it was natural. But, deep down, I knew that the real reason was because I was more intrigued with Jasper's red eyes. I'd wondered why he was still drinking humans, even though I remember it being explained to me in my other life that he didn't like it because he could feel their emotions. It must've been an easier burden, however, with two who did it with him and the fact that they only drank criminals.

And, to be honest with myself, I could agree with that. Knowing that I wasn't alone in doing it, and knowing that these people hard hurt so many others, helped ease any guilt I'd felt previously.

"Of course!" Charlotte said, taking a step forward.

A soft, low growl came from within Jasper's chest, stopping Charlotte in her tracks. Peter gave Jasper a warning looking, before wrapping his arms around Charlotte's shoulders. "C'mon, darlin', Jasper has it handled. We still need to go pick up more supplies."

Charlotte nodded, allowing Peter to start pulling her to the edge of the yard. "Alright. Jas, my shampoo, conditioner, and soap should be on the shelf in my shower. She can use those."

Jasper tilted his head to her retreating back, his ruby eyes watching as they left. Once they disappeared out of view, they turned back to me. "Alright, let's get you cleaned up, darlin'."

He lead me through the back door, which was a large window-door. They had a nice little patio and picnic table, but nothing else like a grill or any other human elements. Jasper slid the door open for me, allowing me to pass him to get inside. The living room was wide, open, and had lots of furniture plus a fire place. There was one couch and a recliner in front of the fireplace, while on the opposite side there was an 'L' shaped couch, plush a chair and ottoman, around a glass coffee table facing a large wide-screen television.

The living room was connect to the kitchen through an archway, and one could choose to go left to go up the stairs or right to go through the back door.

Jasper gave me a few seconds to take in my surroundings, before he began making his way up the stairs. He stopped on the second floor and led me to the last room on the left, which seemed to be his. It was decorated in a subtly classic way, but all of it seemed to fit him. From the solid blue comforter to the old, war-worn confederate flag that was framed and handing on the wall. The whole room smelled like him, too, which I liked. It was a familiar smell and I didn't feel quite so tense there.

There was a small door on the other side of the room which lead to a personal bathroom, which Jasper ushered me into.

"I'll be right back," Jasper said, before disappearing from sight.

I could hear him moving around down the hall, which helped calm me down from the feeling of loss. I took the time to examine the bathroom. It wasn't extremely large or overly extravagant, which seemed a bit odd. From what I'd remembered, the Cullens had been all about having the best. Or, at least, Alice was. But, Jasper obviously wasn't a Cullen, and the simplicity fit him. The bathroom was styled to be blue and white. White tiles with blue lines in them, the walls blue but bordered white, and the cabinets underneath the sink painted white but the sinks itself topped with blue marble.

Without thinking, I stepped in front of the mirror.

The image staring back at me was much clearer then it had been when I'd examined myself in the river. I could see a stranger staring back at me, fire-colored eyes gazing back at me in astonishment. I could see the prototype of my human self within the completed product, but it still felt like I was staring at a whole new being. My body had filled out more, filling in the places that'd sunken in from my lack of eating. My chest and hips had taken more shape, adding some curves to my body. My hair was still a chocolate brown, but there was other tones of color laced through it to accent the waves, which reached just below my shoulders. My skin was the exact shade of snow, looking smooth to the touch. I could see faint scars on my wrists, and one peaking out from behind my collar.

This person staring at me looked so unfamiliar, yet familiar. It was bizarre to look in the mirror and realize that she was me and I was her.

Slowly, I reached out to the mirror. Barley, just barely, I brushed the glass to see if the image was real.

The resulting crash made me hiss, my hand snapping back to my chest. The mirror, right where I'd thought that I'd just gently touch, was cracked. It was a harsh, jagged crack that made me feel guilty. I'd damaged Jasper's property, and I hadn't even meant to. And there was no way that he hadn't heard it.

Almost a second after the crash, Jasper appeared in the doorway. He had a towel and clothes draped over one arm, and the other filled with body care bottles.

His eyes scanned the room quickly, before his tense figure relaxed. He looked at the mirror, an amused look crossing his face as he examined it and the sheepish, startled look on my face. He let out a small chuckle, stepping into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. "Don't look so scolded. You don't know your own strength yet. It will take some getting used to, and some practice. But, you will eventually get used to it."

He laid the clothes and towel on the counter, before turning to the shower and opening the curtain. He put away the shampoo, conditioner, and soap, before turning to me. "I'll help you wash your hair, we don't need you tearing it out. The rest you should be able to do yourself."

Jasper turned on the shower for me and turned away, facing the wall. "Go ahead and rip those off, they're too torn and stained to be worn again anyway."

Completely uncomfortable, I did as he said and stepped into the shower. Jasper closed the curtain for me and allowed me to wash up before opening the curtain enough for him to stick his hands in an do my hair. I didn't know how to fill the silence, not with how awkward all of this was. I wished that Charlotte had stayed so that she could've possibly done this instead. Being completely bare in front of Jasper just felt odd, and if I could've blushed I would have.

I was stalling by the end of my shower. If I couldn't handle turning knobs or even touching glass, then that would mean handling fabric would be out of the question. Jasper would have to dry me and clothe me. The thought had my stomach twisting in knots and it wasn't something I really wanted to happen.

Just as I was about to give in to the pressure and tell him that I was done, I heard two people approaching the house. One of them suddenly was in the house, up the stairs and outside the door. "Jasper! I'll help her get dressed. I can practically feel the awkward from outside."

Jasper growled softly, but stopped suddenly and I heard him step away from the shower. He opened the door, and Charlotte's dainty footsteps came into the room, while his went out just behind the door. She paused for a second, and I could imagine a shocked look on her face as she examined the large crack in the mirror.

"Alright, Bella, are you ready to get out?" she asked softly.

I voiced the affirmative, and was thankful to have Charlotte there. I wasn't as comfortable around her as I was Jasper, but have Jasper dry and clothe me hadn't been very pleasing. It was still embarrassing, but Charlotte's female presence was a bit comforting. I could see myself trusting her more in the future, as long as she proved to be still as kind and unthreatening as she was then.

Once I was dressed in a pair of jeans and form-fitting t-shirt, I allowed Charlotte to brush my hair since I couldn't handle the brush. I could hear Jasper pacing in the room next door, and could feel subtle waves of nerves coming off of him.

"There!" Charlotte said happily, placing the brush on the counter. "All clean!"

"Do all people like us have to take precautions like this?" I asked her, staring at my mismatched appearance through the crack in the glass.

Her eyes seemed to soften. "Not a lot of us get this kind of privilege. Many deal with their newborn year alone and without much guidance. They just don't shower or clean up until they can handle it. Very few sires actually take care of their newborns. Jasper, Peter, and I's sire taught us a little, but she didn't baby us or help us. We were basically on our own for everything."

Feeling spoiled for being so negative about having Jasper and Charlotte help me, I lowered my eyes. "I'm sorry."

She smiled. "It's okay. I know it's frustrating. Do you remember much about your human life, Bella?"

A spike of irritation came from the other room, making Charlotte frown. "Give us a moment to talk, Jasper! Go talk to Peter or something!"

The irritation increased slightly, before Jasper's footsteps raced down stairs and outside, where I could hear Peter moving around and occasionally breathing. The discomfort I felt towards being away from him increased, and I felt more unsafe. Not that Charlotte didn't seem safe, but I didn't recognize her. I didn't have any thoughts of her from my scattered human memories. Maybe that was why I'd felt so safe around Jasper. I recognized him, and I remembered him.

"I remember scattered things here and there. Some things are blurry, and others are just missing. But, I remember some of the important things," I told her, thinking back on my skip into this new time.

"Like what?" she prodded gently.

"Well... I remember my mom, my step dad, and my father. I'm seventeen. I remember some old friends of mine. I was moving to Florida with my mom and step-father, when our car crashed. I some-what remember Jasper, biting me. I remember the burn," I listed, feeling some nervousness filling me.

I didn't know whether I should tell them about my time jump. Maybe I would, but at that moment in time it didn't seem like a good idea. I would wait, and ease it in one I got more used to my new life. Besides, I didn't really understand myself what had happened.

"Yes," Charlotte said, nodding her head, "Jasper, Peter, and I came to save you. We fought off the three vampires that had killed your parents. We got to you just in time though."

She said that last part with a small smile.

"What do you mean you came to save me?" I asked, staring at her intently.

Charlotte pursed her lips. "Well... Bella, this seems a bit stupid to ask you now of all times, but you do understand what you are, yes?"

"A vampire," I whispered, knowing that the truth of it was all too real in both of my lives.

She nodded in reply. "Well sometimes vampires have gifts. Both Jasper and Peter have gifts. Jasper is an empath. He can feel and manipulate emotions. Peter... Well, Peter knows things."

"Knows things?" I inquired, lowering myself down the bathroom floor and sitting cross legged.

Charlotte followed my example, sitting down to face me. "Yes. He has a sort of... intuition inside his head that speaks up every now and again. It told Peter about you and where to find you."

Charlotte and I continued to talk throughout the night, sitting their on the bathroom floor. I could hear Jasper and Peter speaking as well, and it was hard to block them and the other noises around me out but the conversation helped keep me reigned in. She skirted carefully around the subject of my mother and step-father's deaths. I knew that she wanted to breach the subject, but seemed to understand that I wasn't ready to speak of it. She prodded more on what else I remembered of them, and how I felt about my change into a new life.

I was listening to her speak, but was keeping an ear out for the velvet tone of Jasper's voice. While I wasn't listening to his words, I was letting his deep tone sooth my nerves and calm me down. It was almost like listening to a story each time he spoke. It had the same calming effect.

"So... we don't sleep. What do we do with our time?" I questioned her.

"Well, we usually find something to occupy the time. Read, write, draw. Immortality is a beautiful thing for hobbies. You'll find yourself a lot better at things you may not have been as a human. All you have to do is try. I'm in the process of learning German, Russian, and Irish. Jasper has been working on a book, while Peter has been making some furniture for our next house that we move to. It's not easy being bored, but there's usually something around to do. Sometimes we all just sit around the fire place and talk. Maybe once you're more controlled, we can go into the city together," Charlotte suggested, smiling softly at me.

I didn't want to go into the city. I never wanted to feel so out of control again. I was terrified of my next hunt. I trusted Jasper to help me, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to help myself. Just one sniff of blood and I knew that my demon would take control again.

Charlotte saw my hesitance easily. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I was quiet for a moment, before I began to speak. "It was awful. I didn't know who I was anymore, and I liked it. All I wanted was blood. I didn't care what I had to do to get it. All I knew was that I wanted more and more of it. When Jasper finally snapped me out of it, I found myself almost about to attack a little girl. I could've murdered her easily and I wouldn't have cared, not if Jasper hadn't pulled me back to the surface. I already owe him so much, and I'm barely a day in to my new life."

Charlotte was silent, seeming to be thinking. After a moment she raised her eyes to meet mine. "Do you hate us for changing you into what you are? Would you have preferred death?"

She was genuinely concerned, and seemed almost scared of the answer. I noticed that It had gone quiet outside, Jasper and Peter's conversation stilling. My best guess was that they had heard the question and wanted to know the answer, too.

"No... I don't. It's hard to understand all my new feelings, but I know that you saved my life. The fact that you all are going to help me through it as well means a lot to me. Why do you think I would hate you?" I asked back, drawing my brows together.

Charlotte seemed almost lost in thought as she answered. Her eyes were distant, as though she was seeing the long-gone past. "The three of us know what it's like, being forced into this life. It's how the three of us were made to be who we were. We didn't have a choice, and in a way, neither did you. I don't think any of us would've liked knowing that you hated us for what we have done, but we could've understood it. I'm glad that you see differently, though. It takes a lot to see the good in creatures like us."

I wanted to assure her that there was many good things to vampires, but the question that had been burning on the tip of my tongue for quite some time was suddenly rolling from my mouth. "How were you, Peter, and Jasper brought to be? If you don't mind me asking?"

Charlotte froze for a second, before sighing. "I don't think right now is a good time to tell you. I think that Jasper wants to ease that part in after you get a bit more comfortable around us and in your new skin. Then, when we're all ready, we'll get together and tell you our story, okay?"

I could understand why she wanted to keep their secret. I had my own stored away, anyway. I felt like she did. Once we were all more comfortable, maybe then I could tell them what had truly happened to me. There was a large chance that they wouldn't believe it, but hopefully time would allow trust to bring us closer.

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**Harley: Sorry this chapter was a bit shorter, but the next will be longer. I promise. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.**

**Please review.**


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